Reflections

Why did I leave TheMantis team?

There were two primary reasons.

If people do not enjoy being with you, and you do not enjoy being with them, then why bother? Better to divorce, and they can find someone they like to be with.

To stick it out would be a very simple thing for me. That’s what I would have done in the past. I considered it a virtue to “finish what you started”. But what would be the point? Ideas of virtue are a false bondage. I wanted to go against my past programming and experiment with a different direction.

Even my dreams told me to quit. The only thing holding me back was guilt over letting Mantis down. So I asked for his permission to abandon. I also thought he might welcome a new player to freshen up the team dynamic. If he asked me to stay, I would have. But he didn’t hold me back. Perhaps he loves me more than I love him.

From Dom to Sub

I used to be the most domineering captain. I was an absolute authoritarian drafter, often drafting silently. Phantasmal used to warn people who joined the stacks that I would be anal about warding.

Early in the season, it occurred to me that experiencing this tyranny from the other side might be my karma. I consciously welcomed it, and made it my goal to accept my situation gracefully and not create new entanglements.

The Will to Power

There are almost always power struggles in any relationship. Almost everyone, no matter who he is, has his opinions and thinks everyone should listen to him.

In a Dota team environment, it’s almost amusing how the hierarchy sorts itself out. The most ferocious becomes the top Dog, and everyone else in turn oppresses those below.

For me, desiring to eliminate the ego, it presented an opportunity. In this muddy power struggle, I decided to try to become nothing. I deliberately gave almost no opinions.

For one, conflicting opinions just creates even more ugliness. It also gives people more of a target if they want to criticize you. I wanted to remain pure and outside of it. Secondly, I hadn’t played in 4months and was indeed the low mmr on the team. Third, I got to experience the feeling of being completely unvalued, and ordered about. I did it consciously, and still felt “minimized.” It gave me a new empathy for the low mmr players in rd2l.

I also realized quickly that I should stream for proof, like wearing a body cam for protection. I anticipated that at some point, someone would say something about me that I didn’t think was true.

Streaming also served as a sort of ego release, and diminished my desire to start arguments about who is right. I got this idea from watching Myco’s stream many seasons ago. I thought his captain scapegoated Myco, and Myco just quietly played his game. I think that’s the best response you can have, sometimes.

Reflecting on criticism

If someone criticizes you, the first thing you can do is examine if there’s any partial truth to it. If there is, you can thank him for revealing it to you. If there is no truth, then you can let it go.

For example, let’s say someone said I didn’t play any real offlaners. In my games with the team, I’ve played tidehunter, axe, centaur, nightstalker, underlord, sand king, as well as viper and lone druid.

In my pubs, I’ve run through almost all the offlaners to shake off the rust.

I also wasn’t drafting, and have been deliberately unopinionated.

So it is not true that I don’t play normal offlaners.

I may being playing badly, but what can I do…